Hopefully you'll shoot your eye out, asshole

EXCUSE ME MISTER who gave you that to play with? Did you learn nothing over Christmas??? What are you? A fucking republican?  And please explain to me what you have against deers?  Oh you mean you are out to kill them because they are GOD DAMN ADORABLE when they are born. Yeah, they look like this and you get the short end of the stick, GROSS.  Yeah that's right, you've been replaced BITCH.  Air Bud loves his fellow deer friend, so should you, asshole. Violence is never the answer! 2010 is the year of the deer! 

Fist Pump it up asshole

Go wash that hair gel out of your hair right now you smug ginger shmuck! Do you know what happens when you style your hair like that?  Do you know what message you are sending out?  Normally your behavior reads "Hi, I'm an asshole."  Now it will read "Hi, I'm an asshole and I'm from New Jersey." You're really setting yourself up for a bright future kid.  It will probably

turn out as one of the following:

Option A 

Option B

Option C

I feel like I can hear MTV already calling you for a reality show. I feel like this guy is going to be your mentor.  I can see you fist pumping to P. Diddy, Puff Daddy, Diddy Piddy, what ever the fuck his name is this week.  I can picture you buying Ed Hardy. It hurts baby!  It hurts to see you flush your bright future down the drain so quickly! 

Did you hear the new Mountain Goats LP, asshole?

I don't understand what is about wearing your grandma's eyeglasses and trimming your facial hair like Dick Dastardly that you think looks so hip, baby. You're aging yourself and you look like the bastard love child of Ben Gibbard and John Cleese. Also, I know you're digging on vintage vinyl these days, but my Rolling Stones' Sticky Fingers album has sticky little monkey fingerprints all over it and...you...have...thrown up all over my Pixies B-sides special edition record. I'm OK. I'm FINE. Just...pass me that PBR tall boy and turn on NPR, please.

The Roaring Assholes

So I was doing some research over the holidays, and it turns out babies were assholes back in olden times as well. Look at this one, riding high on her daddy's oil fortune, and instead of a gator handbag, she wants a goddamn gator MOUNT. Hey, Shirley Temple, did you ever hear of a pony? Did the kid next door start riding a cougar around town? Looks-wise, it's pretty badass. But are you really about to roll up to F. Scott Fitzgerald's house and be like "Yo, F. Scott. Peep this gator"? Even Zelda's not that crazy. Good thing these shenanigans died with the prohibition and Art Deco...goddamn it.

Cocky baby thinks he's Cockney

Look baby, you better wipe that smirk off your face and fast.  I understand you have a strange crush on your nursery school teacher, I mean she gives you cookies and plays lego's with you, I'd have a crush on her too, but you need to stop trying so hard.  You came home the other day because you saw her reading "Lolita" and instantly signed into my Netflix and ordered every Stanley Kubrick film you could get your grubby paws on.  How did you even get the password for my account? You do realize that Lolita and A Clockwork Orange are novels written by two different authors and Stanley Kubrick just adapted them into films right? Hello??? What am I saying...you don't even know where your nose is and you still can't master not pissing your pants. (sigh) Anyways...your droogs are outside and want to know if you want to play aversion therapy. 

Twenty Ten is going to be rough

Jesus Christ baby can you stop screaming already?  I'm STILL hungover from New Years and all your crying isn't helping any.  You know we decided to take a break from one another during the holidays to avoid situation's like this and this.  It would have been like shooting fish in a barrel, so my gift to YOU was to let you enjoy some peace and quite and what do you do?  You start the new year with screaming and complaining.  Hey it's not MY fault you didn't get a New Year's Eve kiss.  Maybe you shouldn't have gone out looking like this. Someone definitely hit the booze a little too early that night......So why don't we make our resolution this year to be a little more dignified?  Oh and tell your ginger friend he needs to catch up. Welcome to Twenty Ten asshole. 

I'm about to put you in the overhead compartment

Listen up you miniature shit machine.  I know you think you're all badass because you have a pair of captain's wings pinned to your onesie but staring at me from over the seat throughout a 5 hour red eye? NOT OK. I was all set to catch up on my US Weekly and eat an entire bag of gummy worms and maybe even take a nap but you have put an end to all that. I don't care about your cookies.  I don't care about them ESPECIALLY when you feel the need to scream "COOKIES" every time the stewardess walks by. SHE HAS PEANUTS YOU ASSHOLE NOT COOKIES. I also don't think she was very impressed when she caught you gnawing on the Sky Mall magazine and now...you're....asleep....asleep on the goddamn back of the chair and there's a trail of drool slowing encroaching on my complimentary soda.  I need the barf bag now, thanks a lot....asshole.