Your Baby Is An Asshole

Hopefully you'll shoot your eye out, asshole

2010-01-15T13:01:00.000-08:00

EXCUSE ME MISTER who gave you that to play with? Did you learn nothing over Christmas??? What are you? A fucking republican? And please explain to me what you have against deers? Oh you mean you are out to kill them because they are GOD DAMN ADORABLE when they are born. Yeah, they look like this and you get the short end of the stick, GROSS. Yeah that's right, you've been replaced BITCH. Air Bud loves his fellow deer friend, so should you, asshole. Violence is never the answer! 2010 is the year of the deer!

Fist Pump it up asshole

2010-01-11T15:06:00.001-08:00

Go wash that hair gel out of your hair right now you smug ginger shmuck! Do you know what happens when you style your hair like that? Do you know what message you are sending out? Normally your behavior reads "Hi, I'm an asshole." Now it will read "Hi, I'm an asshole and I'm from New Jersey." You're really setting yourself up for a bright future kid. It will probably

turn out as one of the following:

Option A

Option B

Option C

I feel like I can hear MTV already calling you for a reality show. I feel like this guy is going to be your mentor. I can see you fist pumping to P. Diddy, Puff Daddy, Diddy Piddy, what ever the fuck his name is this week. I can picture you buying Ed Hardy. It hurts baby! It hurts to see you flush your bright future down the drain so quickly!

Did you hear the new Mountain Goats LP, asshole?

2010-01-07T14:10:00.000-08:00

I don't understand what is about wearing your grandma's eyeglasses and trimming your facial hair like Dick Dastardly that you think looks so hip, baby. You're aging yourself and you look like the bastard love child of Ben Gibbard and John Cleese. Also, I know you're digging on vintage vinyl these days, but my Rolling Stones' Sticky Fingers album has sticky little monkey fingerprints all over it and...you...have...thrown up all over my Pixies B-sides special edition record. I'm OK. I'm FINE. Just...pass me that PBR tall boy and turn on NPR, please.

The Roaring Assholes

2010-01-05T18:56:00.000-08:00

So I was doing some research over the holidays, and it turns out babies were assholes back in olden times as well. Look at this one, riding high on her daddy's oil fortune, and instead of a gator handbag, she wants a goddamn gator MOUNT. Hey, Shirley Temple, did you ever hear of a pony? Did the kid next door start riding a cougar around town? Looks-wise, it's pretty badass. But are you really about to roll up to F. Scott Fitzgerald's house and be like "Yo, F. Scott. Peep this gator"? Even Zelda's not that crazy. Good thing these shenanigans died with the prohibition and Art Deco...goddamn it.

Cocky baby thinks he's Cockney

2010-01-05T15:33:00.000-08:00

Look baby, you better wipe that smirk off your face and fast. I understand you have a strange crush on your nursery school teacher, I mean she gives you cookies and plays lego's with you, I'd have a crush on her too, but you need to stop trying so hard. You came home the other day because you saw her reading "Lolita" and instantly signed into my Netflix and ordered every Stanley Kubrick film you could get your grubby paws on. How did you even get the password for my account? You do realize that Lolita and A Clockwork Orange are novels written by two different authors and Stanley Kubrick just adapted them into films right? Hello??? What am I saying...you don't even know where your nose is and you still can't master not pissing your pants. (sigh) Anyways...your droogs are outside and want to know if you want to play aversion therapy.

Twenty Ten is going to be rough

2010-01-04T14:08:00.000-08:00

Jesus Christ baby can you stop screaming already? I'm STILL hungover from New Years and all your crying isn't helping any. You know we decided to take a break from one another during the holidays to avoid situation's like this and this. It would have been like shooting fish in a barrel, so my gift to YOU was to let you enjoy some peace and quite and what do you do? You start the new year with screaming and complaining. Hey it's not MY fault you didn't get a New Year's Eve kiss. Maybe you shouldn't have gone out looking like this. Someone definitely hit the booze a little too early that night......So why don't we make our resolution this year to be a little more dignified? Oh and tell your ginger friend he needs to catch up. Welcome to Twenty Ten asshole.

I'm about to put you in the overhead compartment

2009-10-06T16:45:00.000-07:00

Listen up you miniature shit machine. I know you think you're all badass because you have a pair of captain's wings pinned to your onesie but staring at me from over the seat throughout a 5 hour red eye? NOT OK. I was all set to catch up on my US Weekly and eat an entire bag of gummy worms and maybe even take a nap but you have put an end to all that. I don't care about your cookies. I don't care about them ESPECIALLY when you feel the need to scream "COOKIES" every time the stewardess walks by. SHE HAS PEANUTS YOU ASSHOLE NOT COOKIES. I also don't think she was very impressed when she caught you gnawing on the Sky Mall magazine and now...you're....asleep....asleep on the goddamn back of the chair and there's a trail of drool slowing encroaching on my complimentary soda. I need the barf bag now, thanks a lot....asshole.

I hope you choke on the toy in your kid's meal

2009-10-05T13:55:00.000-07:00

You know what baby errr toddler, this is bullsh*t. I'm over here trying to work on my fitness and stay fergalicious and you're shoving your high metabolism in my face. Look at you! You're double fisting strawberry milkshakes from Burger King, which was all know aren't made with real strawberries, so they have zero nutritional value to them. IT'S NULL IN VITAMINS. I don't think you even realize how much you're upsetting your friend over there either. He's obviously poor and shops at Goodwill, that or he's a hipster. Check out that 90's Disney shirt he's rocking. $20 says he "can't feel the love tonight" and he definitely doesn't live by the saying "hakuna matata", but these frat boys on riddlin sure do.

The creators of YBIAA & some Schmoes

2009-10-01T13:17:00.000-07:00

Okay. First off. We here at YBIAA are not dead. In fact we are very much alive (surviving only by the good grace of coffee and 5 o'clock cocktails...which actually start at noon). We are also very poor though. In this economy we have had to actually work to buy important things like; food, gas, gin, American Apparel shiny disco high waisted shorts, vodka, cat food, dog food...mostly food....cause we eat....a lot......and so do our pets. Anyways, we wanted to explain to you the reason for our absence. The good news is before the two creators of this website were separated by thousands upon hundred's of thousands of miles, but in 60 days they will live harmoniously in the same city. So thus, an explosion of hilarious posts will fill your computer screens like H1N2 is filling my lungs right now.

In other news, we here at YBIAA love to make you laugh. It's our goal. So we are going to mooch off of our hilarious friends and share the wealth of Schomesknow. I won't tell you what their YouTube page is about, you're just going to have to watch it.

p.s. Happy Birthday Kristian

p.s.s. you still look like Dane Cook

p.s.s.s sorry i called you Kristen the first time

Vampires, not just for horny teens

2009-08-24T12:31:00.000-07:00

Baby, you really boil my blood. I mean, I knew you were an attention whore before, but going out and intentionally getting bitten by a vampire to capitalize on the success of Twilight and True Blood? That is a horse of a different color. You went from Gerber to devouring the blood of the innocent. You’re trading in your crib for a coffin. DOES ANY OF THIS SEEM MESSED UP TO YOU? Plus, now you’re going to be a baby FOREVER. Did you not see what happened to Kristen Dunst in Interview With a Vampire? Bitch went CRAZY. Why are you looking at me like that? I just nicked myself shaving, asshole. It’s not like I have drool constantly dripping down my face. Get your grubby little paws off of me! HELP! OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!

My soul is crying tears of fear and terror

2009-08-04T17:45:00.000-07:00

The Good Humor man is NOT laughing

2009-07-23T09:34:00.000-07:00

OKay! *gasp* OKAY! *cough* I'm here and I'd like a Flintstones push....up...pop.....oh......it's you. *SIGH* Of course YOU baby somehow commandeered this ice cream truck from it's rightful owner and are trying to make a quick buck. Did you see me in rear view window?? Is that why you weren't stopping? I HAVE MONEY BABY. I have a whole 75 cents for you! Now fork over the Flintstones push up! What do you mean you're all out?!?! No! I don't want one of these. Who wants to suck on James Bond??? What kind of establishment are you running here??? What song is this??? Can you turn the music down, it's interfering with my thoughts of how to drop kick you. Screw you baby, I'm going to get some Pinkberry.

One extra large sundae with a cherry on top for Alissa. Thanks for the submission!

Our founding fathers would think you're an asshole

2009-07-13T16:06:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe what I am seeing. Are you crying? Really? Because of fireworks? This just further proves my point that you babies are all communists who hate freedom. What's next? Are you going to snub hot dogs? Apple pies? Danny Glover? I want you to take a look at this little girl. She slaves away for hours in firework factories in China so that your fat face can be entertained. She will probably never feel the joy of nearly losing a finger while lighting a firecracker, or scorching off one eyebrow with a roman candle. And here you are, taking all that foreign craftsmanship for granted. Well let me let you in on a little secret. I'm opening a REAL American cafe, and this is going to be our feature dish.

Thanks to Zakary W.(http://zakaryw.blogspot.com ), who is a true patriot for calling bullshit on his own baby.

It's tap water from now on....

2009-07-06T11:04:00.001-07:00

I just threw up rainbows

2009-06-30T13:12:00.000-07:00

OOOOOOO....KKKKKKKKK....It's time we sat down and had a little chat, because this is completly unacceptable. You get your kicks in some sick ways kiddo. I tell you how I finally have all my money saved up to buy this awesome van and what do you do? You go and get THIS VAN. So what do I do? Take the blow easily and walk away with dignity and grace? NO WAY. I upgraded to this bad boy. I think you couldn't handle it, and so now what? You find some horse, put some blush on it's muzzle, and strap a horn to its head? For what purpose than to try and claim yourself as the most mystical one in this relationship. Classy baby, real classy. Well I'm not impressed. So I'm leaving you for this baby, he knows how to impress a lady.

Fall into The Ga(ssholes)p

2009-06-24T16:20:00.000-07:00

That's right baby...you work hard for that minimum wage money. You got up on your sassy pony (that you won in the war) and start babbling about how you're out growing your position as a model for Baby Gap and where does it get you? A job at Gap Kids. Folding polo shirts and tiny khaki shorts. It's like I can almost see your future and it's not this.. And if tomorrow, you hear about a shipment of khaki baseball caps gone missing......it wasn't me.

Kibble: Now with more asshole babies

2009-06-23T15:47:00.000-07:00

Oh, come one, baby. Really? Dog food? I mean, I know you don’t have the most discriminating palate, but stealing from the Mr. Scamps is pretty pathetic. And don’t point your finger at me like this is all my fault. I didn’t drive you to eat kibble. Sure, alright. It was me that ate your mashed bananas and spinach that your mom was storing in the fridge. I DID IT. I was hungry. I’d do it again. I’d fucking DO IT AGAIN BABY. I’m starving. You want to shove over a bit?

A big wet sloppy kiss to Erika Kent for allowing us to berate her kid.

I hate you and your lack of hair follicles

2009-06-16T20:35:00.000-07:00

What the hell is this? Are you channeling Captain Morgan or Dick Dastardly? First of all, I know it's not a real mustache. It takes a hell of a lot more than a bottle of shoe polish to trick me, baby. There are only two people I know who can grow a mustache worthy of any attention: my grandma and this guy. Secondly, I see you have created some 'spectacles' in an attempt to look more scholarly. Tell me baby, what was the last book you read? Hmm? Oh this one? Uh huh, that's what I thought.

A big thanks to Michael Fenwick for submitting photos of his sister-in-law's kid.

One asshole monkey jumping on the bed

2009-06-15T18:16:00.000-07:00

Don't sniffle at me baby. This was all YOUR idea. You were the one who came home from day care whining about Bradleys amazing costume that matched his monkey stuffed animal. And of course you needed to upstage him, so who came to your rescue? ME. I put my semester of fashion school to use and made you the most amazing costume EVER. It's not my fault your stuffed animal monkey was a sock puppet. Now quit your crying, or I'll dress you up like this and have you dance on a corner for nickles. Now put your mask back on....I like you better when I can't see your face.

(big thanks to Alabama Worley for submitting the photos)

A baby can never be satisfied. Ever.

2009-06-11T14:44:00.000-07:00

Oh, I'm sorry, baby. First, you win the war against toddlers through...er....rather unconventional means. From the spoils of your battle, you gain several mighty steeds, and you manage to garner the attention of the local press. AND STILL YOU ARE NOT SATISFIED. What is with that puss, baby? Is the mini horse not mini enough for your small stature, asshole? Maybe if you were not the size of goddamn grapefruit you would be more impressed. Even the mini horse thinks you're an asshole, baby, and he likes everyone.

Put down the super soaker...

2009-06-08T10:55:00.000-07:00

The battle has begun. First it was the ants and now it's baby on baby war. These assholes aren't holding anything back either. The whole species of baby are about to go extinct. First they took their fury out on us, which was fine, but now they are turning on each other. In attempt to bring peace to the toddler vs. new born war...also known as Poopy Snot World War 1.....we were taken hostage and held for ransom and forced to post the following...

Deer asshole babies,

If u want to cee your grownd ups again we demand the following...

* 50 unmarked cases of apple-peach-blueberry Gerber

* ten snuggie blankets featuring ALL of the Disney princesses

* a fifth of Jack

* and a mini horse

luv,

the Toddlers

Asshole babies, I know we haven't seen eye to eye in the past, but we cannot survive with out you as you cannot survive with out us.

Pumping iron

2009-05-27T15:37:00.000-07:00

Someone get this kid a fucking medal. So you lift up an abandoned car and free a family of kittens and all of a sudden they're handing you a key to the goddamn city. Well I'll have you know I've done my fair share of community service this week. Why, just last night when some underage teenagers saw me outside of Walgreens drinking a Mickey's I TOTALLY bought them beer. OUT OF THE GOODNESS OF MY HEART. But you, I know why you do the things you do, baby. I see you working on your fitness. Checking out your sweet pecs in the mirror. Just can't enough of yourself, can you? Well I'll tell you one thing, baby, lay off the 'roids. You won't looks so badass when you start growing boobies.

VIVA LA REVOLUTION DE ASSHOLE BAMBINOS

2009-05-21T10:32:00.000-07:00

Here in America, we can do whatever we damn well please! We can rob Native Americans of their land, then refer to them as "Indians". We can judge the "Mexicans" like they are aliens (even though their country borders with ours...). And we can call your baby an asshole. So lets band together in our rights as citizens of the United States of America! SUBMIT YOUR ASSHOLE BABY PHOTOS. We need YOU America!

Submissions can be e-mailed to: yourbaby666@gmail.com

Babies don't understand much, especially not BBQs

2009-05-20T12:31:00.000-07:00

Well, this barbecue is a monumental failure because of you, baby. The invitation read "Bring your own meat for the grill." And then you show up crying about how meat is murder and you can't abide by my carnivorous ways and how you're going to strap yourself to the grill in protest (which, I was down for, actually). Then this asshole shows up with tofurkey cutlets and portobello mushrooms like a goddamn hippie and Jared just...completely misinterprets the whole scenario. Well, next time I decide to have a barbecue, I know EXACTLY what will be on the menu.

For once....the baby is innocent

2009-05-13T14:35:00.000-07:00