I'm about to put you in the overhead compartment

Listen up you miniature shit machine.  I know you think you're all badass because you have a pair of captain's wings pinned to your onesie but staring at me from over the seat throughout a 5 hour red eye? NOT OK. I was all set to catch up on my US Weekly and eat an entire bag of gummy worms and maybe even take a nap but you have put an end to all that. I don't care about your cookies.  I don't care about them ESPECIALLY when you feel the need to scream "COOKIES" every time the stewardess walks by. SHE HAS PEANUTS YOU ASSHOLE NOT COOKIES. I also don't think she was very impressed when she caught you gnawing on the Sky Mall magazine and now...you're....asleep....asleep on the goddamn back of the chair and there's a trail of drool slowing encroaching on my complimentary soda.  I need the barf bag now, thanks a lot....asshole.

I hope you choke on the toy in your kid's meal

You know what baby errr toddler, this is bullsh*t.  I'm over here trying to work on my fitness and stay fergalicious and you're shoving your high metabolism in my face.  Look at you!  You're double fisting strawberry milkshakes from Burger King, which was all know aren't made with real strawberries, so they have zero nutritional value to them.  IT'S NULL IN VITAMINS.  I don't think you even realize how much you're upsetting your friend over there either.  He's obviously poor and shops at Goodwill, that or he's a hipster.  Check out that 90's Disney shirt he's rocking.  $20 says he "can't feel the love tonight" and he definitely doesn't live by the saying "hakuna matata", but these frat boys on riddlin sure do. 

The creators of YBIAA & some Schmoes

 Okay.  First off.  We here at YBIAA are not dead.  In fact we are very much alive (surviving only by the good grace of coffee and 5 o'clock cocktails...which actually start at noon).  We are also very poor though.  In this economy we have had to actually work to buy important things like; food, gas, gin, American Apparel shiny disco high waisted shorts, vodka, cat food, dog food...mostly food....cause we eat....a lot......and so do our pets.  Anyways, we wanted to explain to you the reason for our absence.  The good news is before the two creators of this website were separated by thousands upon hundred's of thousands of miles, but in 60 days they will live harmoniously in the same city.  So thus, an explosion of hilarious posts will fill your computer screens like H1N2 is filling my lungs right now.  

In other news, we here at YBIAA love to make you laugh.  It's our goal.  So we are going to mooch off of our hilarious friends and share the wealth of Schomesknow.  I won't tell you what their YouTube page is about, you're just going to have to watch it.

p.s. Happy Birthday Kristian

p.s.s. you still look like Dane Cook

p.s.s.s sorry i called you Kristen the first time

The Good Humor man is NOT laughing

OKay! *gasp*  OKAY! *cough* I'm here and I'd like a Flintstones push....up...pop.....oh......it's you.  *SIGH*  Of course YOU baby somehow commandeered this ice cream truck from it's rightful owner and are trying to make a quick buck.  Did you see me in rear view window?? Is that why you weren't stopping?  I HAVE MONEY BABY.  I have a whole 75 cents for you!  Now fork over the Flintstones push up!    What do you mean you're all out?!?!  No! I don't want one of these.  Who wants to suck on James Bond???  What kind of establishment are you running here??? What song is this??? Can you turn the music down, it's interfering with my thoughts of how to drop kick you.   Screw you baby, I'm going to get some Pinkberry.

One extra large sundae with a cherry on top for Alissa.  Thanks for the submission!

Kibble: Now with more asshole babies

Oh, come one, baby. Really? Dog food? I mean, I know you don’t have the most discriminating palate, but stealing from the Mr. Scamps is pretty pathetic. And don’t point your finger at me like this is all my fault. I didn’t drive you to eat kibble. Sure, alright. It was me that ate your mashed bananas and spinach that your mom was storing in the fridge. I DID IT. I was hungry. I’d do it again. I’d fucking DO IT AGAIN BABY. I’m starving. You want to shove over a bit?

A big wet sloppy kiss to Erika Kent for allowing us to berate her kid.

Babies don't understand much, especially not BBQs

Well, this barbecue is a monumental failure because of you, baby. The invitation read "Bring your own meat for the grill." And then you show up crying about how meat is murder and you can't abide by my carnivorous ways and how you're going to strap yourself to the grill in protest (which, I was down for, actually). Then this asshole shows up with tofurkey cutlets and portobello mushrooms like a goddamn hippie and Jared just...completely misinterprets the whole scenario. Well, next time I decide to have a barbecue, I know EXACTLY what will be on the menu.

Holy Guacamole

Baby, this is what happens when we let your girlfriend Maria drink in the mornings on Cinco de Mayo. She starts walking around half naked and goes out in public like she has a purpose or something. Bitch, stole my hat too. Who does that? Oh yeah, ASSHOLE BABIES do that. Stop eyeing my burrito, we better go after her...before we end up in a situation like this.

Those brownies weren't for you, baby!

DAMN IT! I told you not to eat those brownies I made. Seriously baby...how many times did I tell you NOT to eat those brownies I made??? I told your mom I would take you to see Disney's 'Earth' today only because A.) it features baby elephants and B.)I made special brownies for ME AND ME ONLY! Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and the baby lamb.....How the hell am I going to be able to get you looking like this again in two hours? Ugh...just...pass the joint....

Bargaining tactics

Look kid. You can't sleep in here. Okay? And these types of shenanigans are not changing my mind otherwise. First it was just once in a while. You'd crawl in here and drool all over my pillows and get Goldfish crackers in between my sheets. Then all of a sudden I have a new bedspread. And my TiVo is scheduled to record these assholes. And then, I try to have an adult conversation with you and....well...here we are. You're duck-taped to my bedroom wall. But don't think the fact that you also duck-taped a duck to the wall didn't go unnoticed by me. Touche baby. Touche.

He died for your sins, baby

You know what....you should count your lucky stars, baby. So what....I ate all the chocolate in the plastic eggs...and the peeps.....and jelly beans....I was hungry! You shouldn't even be eating chocolate! You should be honoring Jesus. This holiday is about HIM. Not you and your need for a sugar fix. I am NOT giving into your temper tantrum! Keep it up baby, and next year this is the only Easter Bunny you'll be seeing..

YOU are a milk snob, baby

What is that? It's milk, baby. We are in a depression and I can't afford to buy you that organic crap in the recycled carton and that vanilla soy shit makes you farty and bloated. I gave up my Voss and Fiji water, so you have to make some sacrifices too! If you're really worried about the chemicals in that milk I'll run it through our Brita filter, but that's all I'm gonna do for you, asshole.

Check Mate or Checked Luggage?

I swear if you try and knight my king I'm going to drop kick you. No one likes a show off baby. How did you even learn to play chess? Children older than you can't even play Twister right! Where did these outstanding motor skills come from? Did you learn this from your friend Tim? The freak who can eat noodles with chop sticks?? Well I'm not having it. The only "checking" that will be happening today is when I put you in a box and ship you to Chicago.

Don't be a AZlynn Berry

I knew moving in with you was a bad idea, baby. Sure, in the beginning it was all 50/50, sunshine and rainbow farts. We got along, split the chore list, even cooked dinner together, but then you did what every baby does and turned into a complete asshole. When it came to using MY Costco gift card you were all about splurging on the variety pack of muffins, 6 lbs of fresh Lox, and 24 pack of tube socks.....but then last night....when I came home from Photoshop Hero with the girls...I was looking very forward to eating my left over KFC.....but where was it? WHERE WAS IT BABY!?!?!? Cause it sure as hell wasn't in the fridge where I left it. Nope. But it's okay baby.....cause that Honey Baked Ham you were saving for lunch today....became my dinner last night.

Not everyone wants to kiss you

Listen up you. I know you think because of your diminutive stature you can roll into MY St Paddy's celebration reeking of corned beef and cabbage and green beer, but you sir, are not a leprechaun. You may crap green poop, but that doesn't make you any more Irish than those girls who claim they are Irish and can drink you under the table. Yeah, we all know how that ends. And just so you know baby, the ambassador of Ireland isn't very fond of you either....

Ninja gangs are no joke

I suppose you think this is funny, babies. I come home from a long day of work and there you are with your fellow thugs staking out a place on my front stoop. Well let me tell you something: I am not afraid of you. Even when you took me down your underground lair and showed my your "death crib" I barely even broke a sweat. What kind of ninjas wear pink, and red and yellow anyway? I suppose it doesn't matter to you that my loyal pet rhino and warthog were brutally murdered by gang of ninjas back in the late eighties....there was pizza crust everywhere...wait, what? What was I saying? Oh yeah. GET OFF MY STOOP YOU DAMN NINJA BABIES!

But where did all the rum go???

Baby, I told you to pace yourself. It's the cardinal rule at the Delta Gamma Jamma Bam Bam house; First person to pass out drunk, gets drawn on. You're lucky we only used left over cupcake frosting from the bake sale. Because you know, I'm pretty sure writing on a baby with a sharpie is illegal....and we already let you guys drink beer, so we had to find some balance. I mean I refuse to be like that crazy lady who encouraged this.

Get your drool off of my leftover burrito

Really? This is happening? You go on the raw food diet for a week and you're in my goddamn refrigerator eating all of my sour cream? See this label maker? I make labels with my name on them and I put them on MY food. See these Jello pudding cups? MY NAME. Look, I know it's hard out there with assholes like this guy around, but do your purging somewhere else. This isn't Denny's.

Shut up before I eat you

Dear baby,

No.

My feelings ouren't hurt.

You get on a scale and weigh what? Like...maybe 10 lbz?

I get on a scale and I want to cry.

No, it's otay.


It wasn't my fault.

It was my stylists fault.

Those high wasted jeans just weren't very flattering.


Yeah and..okay neither wear the latex leggings.

But I'm not fat.

Chicken or tuna
lolzzzzz
Sinserly,
Jessica Simpson

Now I want a Big Mac (2 for $3.50 now at a participating McDonalds near you)

Baby, you are a sell out. Have you no respect for your self? I haven't seen more product placement outside of the Super Bowl. You obviously get some sick pleasure of out being a label whore. How much are they paying* you baby? Whats next? Your own perfume? Like him, her, tranny mess , them, that, what? Maybe a clothing line? How about vodka? hey...P Diddy, Puff Daddy, Sean Combs, Puffy Combs, Honey Combs. did it......you might as well hop on the band wagon too. Just remember baby. Modesty always stays classy.



*Anyone who is interested in advertising with us, feel free to e-mail us at yourbaby666@gmail.com

Get your patchouli stick out of my face!

Don't you grin at me baby. I know what's been going on. Hell, you only left five empty buckets of KFC lying in the pool. I come home and find you dressing the cat up in a Simon and Garfunkel t-shirt. I swear to god baby...is that....is that burnt Jiffy Pop? AGAIN? My thunder if I go into the kitchen and see you've put the Jiffy Pop in the microwave again...goddammit. Get a job you hippie!