Hopefully you'll shoot your eye out, asshole

EXCUSE ME MISTER who gave you that to play with? Did you learn nothing over Christmas??? What are you? A fucking republican?  And please explain to me what you have against deers?  Oh you mean you are out to kill them because they are GOD DAMN ADORABLE when they are born. Yeah, they look like this and you get the short end of the stick, GROSS.  Yeah that's right, you've been replaced BITCH.  Air Bud loves his fellow deer friend, so should you, asshole. Violence is never the answer! 2010 is the year of the deer! 

Did you hear the new Mountain Goats LP, asshole?

I don't understand what is about wearing your grandma's eyeglasses and trimming your facial hair like Dick Dastardly that you think looks so hip, baby. You're aging yourself and you look like the bastard love child of Ben Gibbard and John Cleese. Also, I know you're digging on vintage vinyl these days, but my Rolling Stones' Sticky Fingers album has sticky little monkey fingerprints all over it and...you...have...thrown up all over my Pixies B-sides special edition record. I'm OK. I'm FINE. Just...pass me that PBR tall boy and turn on NPR, please.

Cocky baby thinks he's Cockney

Look baby, you better wipe that smirk off your face and fast.  I understand you have a strange crush on your nursery school teacher, I mean she gives you cookies and plays lego's with you, I'd have a crush on her too, but you need to stop trying so hard.  You came home the other day because you saw her reading "Lolita" and instantly signed into my Netflix and ordered every Stanley Kubrick film you could get your grubby paws on.  How did you even get the password for my account? You do realize that Lolita and A Clockwork Orange are novels written by two different authors and Stanley Kubrick just adapted them into films right? Hello??? What am I saying...you don't even know where your nose is and you still can't master not pissing your pants. (sigh) Anyways...your droogs are outside and want to know if you want to play aversion therapy. 

I hope you choke on the toy in your kid's meal

You know what baby errr toddler, this is bullsh*t.  I'm over here trying to work on my fitness and stay fergalicious and you're shoving your high metabolism in my face.  Look at you!  You're double fisting strawberry milkshakes from Burger King, which was all know aren't made with real strawberries, so they have zero nutritional value to them.  IT'S NULL IN VITAMINS.  I don't think you even realize how much you're upsetting your friend over there either.  He's obviously poor and shops at Goodwill, that or he's a hipster.  Check out that 90's Disney shirt he's rocking.  $20 says he "can't feel the love tonight" and he definitely doesn't live by the saying "hakuna matata", but these frat boys on riddlin sure do. 

Vampires, not just for horny teens

Baby, you really boil my blood. I mean, I knew you were an attention whore before, but going out and intentionally getting bitten by a vampire to capitalize on the success of Twilight and True Blood? That is a horse of a different color. You went from Gerber to devouring the blood of the innocent. You’re trading in your crib for a coffin. DOES ANY OF THIS SEEM MESSED UP TO YOU? Plus, now you’re going to be a baby FOREVER. Did you not see what happened to Kristen Dunst in Interview With a Vampire? Bitch went CRAZY. Why are you looking at me like that? I just nicked myself shaving, asshole. It’s not like I have drool constantly dripping down my face. Get your grubby little paws off of me! HELP! OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!

I just threw up rainbows

OOOOOOO....KKKKKKKKK....It's time we sat down and had a little chat, because this is completly unacceptable. You get your kicks in some sick ways kiddo. I tell you how I finally have all my money saved up to buy this awesome van and what do you do? You go and get THIS VAN. So what do I do? Take the blow easily and walk away with dignity and grace? NO WAY. I upgraded to this bad boy. I think you couldn't handle it, and so now what? You find some horse, put some blush on it's muzzle, and strap a horn to its head? For what purpose than to try and claim yourself as the most mystical one in this relationship. Classy baby, real classy. Well I'm not impressed. So I'm leaving you for this baby, he knows how to impress a lady.

I hate you and your lack of hair follicles

What the hell is this? Are you channeling Captain Morgan or Dick Dastardly? First of all, I know it's not a real mustache. It takes a hell of a lot more than a bottle of shoe polish to trick me, baby. There are only two people I know who can grow a mustache worthy of any attention: my grandma and this guy. Secondly, I see you have created some 'spectacles' in an attempt to look more scholarly. Tell me baby, what was the last book you read? Hmm? Oh this one? Uh huh, that's what I thought.

A big thanks to Michael Fenwick for submitting photos of his sister-in-law's kid.

lIj ghu 'oH an asshole

Look baby, I know you spent a long time on this get up, but I simply cannot bring you to my International Federation of Trekkers meeting/bar crawl. Klingons are a warrior race, baby, okay? And I'm guessing if a real Klingon saw you in your fuzzy lion-bird-bunny belt, they'd tell you to get that weak shit out of here, or tlhap vetlh weak shit pa' vo' naDev. The Klingons don't even have a word for weak, that's how tough they are. You think you can just draw on some wrinkles with a sharpie and all of a sudden you're Worf? And it really, really doesn't help your case when you show up to the Star Trek movie premiere with this asshole. That leather skirt is really precious though. Did your mommy make that for you?

Babies are worse than Comcast

You know baby, ordinarily I would encourage this kind of behavior, because as we all know, there's nothing funnier than an asshole baby fooling around with electric cables. But you KNOW that 2:30 p.m. on Tuesday afternoon is my secret watching-reruns-of-Millionaire-Matchmaker-on-Hulu time. And now I can't get my goddamn internet to work. What? YES, I unplugged the modem and let it sit there for ten minutes. What are you some kind of computer genius now? Does that blueberry Gerber stain on your snuggie qualify you as tech support? NO. We're going to fix this MY way. Now hand me that baseball bat...

May the force be with you

Baby, you may be tiny, wrinkled and sometimes green comes out of your poop hole, but you are no Yoda. And I really wish you would stop parading around acting like a Jedi Master that has had one too many Mai Tais at Tatooine.

First of all, Yoda is about 900 years old. That's why he's so wise and has white hair in his ears. I have have half-eaten sandwiches riding around in my backpack that are older than you are.

Secondly, Yoda wears Jedi robes. What I see here is a midget in a lab coat.

Thirdly, a question: what does object-subject-verb mean to you? Uh huh. That's what I thought.

Fourthly, this is just fucking unacceptable.

And finally,...what the...WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? Who let a pug in here? Though now that I'm thinking about it, this dog makes a way better Yoda than you ever will. Look at those wrinkles! Oh god its it making scary noises! What? Oh, he's breathing...

Bargaining tactics

Look kid. You can't sleep in here. Okay? And these types of shenanigans are not changing my mind otherwise. First it was just once in a while. You'd crawl in here and drool all over my pillows and get Goldfish crackers in between my sheets. Then all of a sudden I have a new bedspread. And my TiVo is scheduled to record these assholes. And then, I try to have an adult conversation with you and....well...here we are. You're duck-taped to my bedroom wall. But don't think the fact that you also duck-taped a duck to the wall didn't go unnoticed by me. Touche baby. Touche.

Photoshop FAIL

FAIL. Your attempts at Photoshop are one big fail, baby. Really? Dressing up in your Robin costume and making yourself fly? A.) Robin did not have flying powers, SUPERMAN did. This just further proves you know nothing about superhero's, therefor have no right to impersonate one. B.) Robin is probably the worst Superhero you could choose....because he wasn't really a superhero...he was just Batman's bitch boy.


And what IS THIS? It's like you threw the filter they use on 'Days of our Lives' over some picture I took at the family picnic on Saturday. I know this is going to end up as your default on MySpace.


And lastly....NO INSERTING ENDANGERED SPECIES INTO YOUR SEARS PHOTOS. I know you want to appeal as the sensitive environmentalist to the ladies by showing how close you are with these polar bears, but you KNOW polar bears are MY THING. And only I can make bring them justice with Photoshop.

Weakness, thy name is baby elephant

I just...I...goddammit, baby. You know baby elephants are my kryptonite! With little fuzz on their head and how everything is too big but not too big and they can't walk straight and I just...love you, baby. I love you and your baby elephant. What am I saying! I need to lie down...I need...to buy this Anne Geddes "Labor of Love" book...NO! No no no no no. Ok, just calm down. Calm down. Remember your mantra goddammit! Babies are assholes...babies are assholes...babies are assholes...

Lars and the Real Girl

You've really hit a new low, baby. I can ignore the receipts from Mo's Pleasure Palace posted prominently on the fridge. I can even manage to ignore those distressing squeaking sounds coming from your room at night (and sometimes right around lunch time). But something I can't ignore is coming home to find you having unholy relations with your "sex doll" on my new Turkish carpet. Whatever you and "Kristy" do in your private time is your business. But Christ, how do you expect me to get the smell of baby powder, creamed carrots and rubber out of my carpet now? You're sick baby. SICK.

Total Request Asshole

I know that there's been a shakeup in late night TV lately, baby. Conan is replacing Leno. Jimmy Fallon is replacing Conan. But this is just unacceptable. First, by some miracle of God, you somehow get a chick to let Carson Daly impregnate them so you can have a guaranteed spot on Last Call. And now, you're trying to copy Conan's signature hair do. Now you listen to me, small fry: it doesn't matter how much hair product you use, you will never be Conan. Hell, the guy is 6'4''. So really, all you will ever manage to be is about 1/3 of Conan. Even with the hair.

Give a little whistle....

You've done it....DONE IT. You have OFFICIALLY ruined my Thursday night. My man and I were eager to sit down for Taco Thursday and watch this beloved film, before it goes back into "the vault" and you have to come in on your stupid little toy, taking rides from some bird that can't even spell, mocking our dearest Pinocchio and I'm just suppose to sit here with my taco and take it? I think not...I am going to stand up to you baby! And I'm taking your conscience with me! You don't deserve him!

Napoleon has nothing on you

Feels good, doesn't it baby? Riding high? Towering above everything while the vile peasants below are forced to scuttle at your feet? Am I sensing a bit of a complex? Just remember, no matter how much you feel like Shaq inside, you look like Tattoo from Fantasy Island on the outside, so don't get smug with me. Asshole.

Next you'll be snubbing Ryan Seacrest

You know I hate when you do this, baby. Just last night we're kicking back, watching the Oscars, eating some apple pie and that's when I saw it. That glint in your eye. As we watched dress after dress parade down the red carpet, you and I both started to see a trend. There were some hits and some misses, but all and all we could see this "mermaid" look taking on a life of its own. So when you come sashaying down the stairs this morning dressed like that, I wasn't very amused. Way to be a follower baby. I just hope you don't try to get Bradgelina (did you see them last night!?!? To die for GORGEOUS omg omg omg) to adopt you.

Carrie Bradshaw is not your BFF

Wow. A martini glass and some designer sunglasses. You baby, are a trendsetter. Too bad you're about, oh, I don't know, FIVE YEARS LATE jumping on the whole Sex and the City bandwagon. I bet that bartender laughed in your face when you ordered a cosmopolitan. Do they even make Manolo Blahniks that small? Hell, all of those broads have moved on in their lives, launching perfumes, appearing in tragic tween comedies made by Disney and guest starring on Law and Order: SVU. See baby? IMPORTANT LIFE TRANSITIONS. Now step away from the vodka, before you end up like this.

Your spikey hair doesn't fool me, baby

It's just not fair, baby. I was watching you on television being a baby WHEN I WAS BABY. I identified with you: I had a binky, you had a binky. And you were so brightly colored. But then, something changed. While I grew buck teeth and had an awkward Marilyn Manson/Nine Inch Nails phase, you were sitting pretty, making your millions on the longest-running American television show. While I am paying my BILLS at a thankless job, you are spelling out E=MC² with your baby blocks, and escaping from the Springfield daycare center. Sounds fun! Say hi to Homer, Marge, Bart and Lisa for me okay. BECAUSE I'M LIVING IN THE REAL WORLD. I hate you, baby.