For once....the baby is innocent

Babies are worse than Comcast

You know baby, ordinarily I would encourage this kind of behavior, because as we all know, there's nothing funnier than an asshole baby fooling around with electric cables. But you KNOW that 2:30 p.m. on Tuesday afternoon is my secret watching-reruns-of-Millionaire-Matchmaker-on-Hulu time. And now I can't get my goddamn internet to work. What? YES, I unplugged the modem and let it sit there for ten minutes. What are you some kind of computer genius now? Does that blueberry Gerber stain on your snuggie qualify you as tech support? NO. We're going to fix this MY way. Now hand me that baseball bat...

Photoshop FAIL

FAIL. Your attempts at Photoshop are one big fail, baby. Really? Dressing up in your Robin costume and making yourself fly? A.) Robin did not have flying powers, SUPERMAN did. This just further proves you know nothing about superhero's, therefor have no right to impersonate one. B.) Robin is probably the worst Superhero you could choose....because he wasn't really a superhero...he was just Batman's bitch boy.


And what IS THIS? It's like you threw the filter they use on 'Days of our Lives' over some picture I took at the family picnic on Saturday. I know this is going to end up as your default on MySpace.


And lastly....NO INSERTING ENDANGERED SPECIES INTO YOUR SEARS PHOTOS. I know you want to appeal as the sensitive environmentalist to the ladies by showing how close you are with these polar bears, but you KNOW polar bears are MY THING. And only I can make bring them justice with Photoshop.

Next web stop...eHarmony

Look baby, I'm really effing enthused that you have a new woman in your life. I get it. You're over me. You're happy. You've never felt better and you're about ready to shit rainbows and kittens because of all the happy filling your body. But do you really have to do this to me? The original photo is bad enough. But then you had to go in and make it all blue-toned and romantic with the fucking clouds rolling in and the cotton candy...I mean, did those few hours we spent together while I was babysitting you that one time mean nothing? That's fine. Just remember me when you ask this broad to change your diaper and she rejects your poopy ass. Asshole.

@baby You're an asshole

Really? We're going to go through this again? Listen baby, here at Boring, Thankless and Low-Paying Inc., we frown upon using work computers for non-work purposes. Like, for instance, e-mailing the entire office pictures of you getting cozy at the Friday night mixer with Linda, the babe in HR. Or, for example, "twitting" or whatever it is you kids call it, about how your supervisor is a "fat fat fatty doo doo monster fat." Or, hacking into my e-mail and signing me up for oh, I don't know, 40 pornographic web sites. I hope that you will take these matters seriously from now on. I know...oh wait, hold on. Somebody commented on my Facebook photo. Just came up on my new i-Phone. Let's see....fat fat fat doodyhead fat...GODDAMNIT BABY!

Maybe it's Maybelline?

WHAT THE HELL??!!?!? Oh my god! MySpace. DEFAULT! tee hee hee. Who wants to be America's Next Top Asshole Baby? You do baby! YOU. Look, there is a little saying called "too much of a good thing". Just ask her. When I look at you I don't know if I should hand you a wet nap so you can wipe your face off or have a seizure from all the glitter and rhinestones. Either way baby, less is more.

Oh so you're an attention whore too.....

Oh, I get it, baby. You're trying to capitalize on the cute-animals-on-the-internet phenomena by pretending to be one. Well let me tell you something, you don't look like an adorable cockapoodleranian, you look like my landlady after she's had one too many glasses of Wild Vines. So put that thing back in your mouth before that Ewok sitting next to you tries to eat it.