Hopefully you'll shoot your eye out, asshole

EXCUSE ME MISTER who gave you that to play with? Did you learn nothing over Christmas??? What are you? A fucking republican?  And please explain to me what you have against deers?  Oh you mean you are out to kill them because they are GOD DAMN ADORABLE when they are born. Yeah, they look like this and you get the short end of the stick, GROSS.  Yeah that's right, you've been replaced BITCH.  Air Bud loves his fellow deer friend, so should you, asshole. Violence is never the answer! 2010 is the year of the deer! 

The Roaring Assholes

So I was doing some research over the holidays, and it turns out babies were assholes back in olden times as well. Look at this one, riding high on her daddy's oil fortune, and instead of a gator handbag, she wants a goddamn gator MOUNT. Hey, Shirley Temple, did you ever hear of a pony? Did the kid next door start riding a cougar around town? Looks-wise, it's pretty badass. But are you really about to roll up to F. Scott Fitzgerald's house and be like "Yo, F. Scott. Peep this gator"? Even Zelda's not that crazy. Good thing these shenanigans died with the prohibition and Art Deco...goddamn it.

The creators of YBIAA & some Schmoes

 Okay.  First off.  We here at YBIAA are not dead.  In fact we are very much alive (surviving only by the good grace of coffee and 5 o'clock cocktails...which actually start at noon).  We are also very poor though.  In this economy we have had to actually work to buy important things like; food, gas, gin, American Apparel shiny disco high waisted shorts, vodka, cat food, dog food...mostly food....cause we eat....a lot......and so do our pets.  Anyways, we wanted to explain to you the reason for our absence.  The good news is before the two creators of this website were separated by thousands upon hundred's of thousands of miles, but in 60 days they will live harmoniously in the same city.  So thus, an explosion of hilarious posts will fill your computer screens like H1N2 is filling my lungs right now.  

In other news, we here at YBIAA love to make you laugh.  It's our goal.  So we are going to mooch off of our hilarious friends and share the wealth of Schomesknow.  I won't tell you what their YouTube page is about, you're just going to have to watch it.

p.s. Happy Birthday Kristian

p.s.s. you still look like Dane Cook

p.s.s.s sorry i called you Kristen the first time

I just threw up rainbows

OOOOOOO....KKKKKKKKK....It's time we sat down and had a little chat, because this is completly unacceptable. You get your kicks in some sick ways kiddo. I tell you how I finally have all my money saved up to buy this awesome van and what do you do? You go and get THIS VAN. So what do I do? Take the blow easily and walk away with dignity and grace? NO WAY. I upgraded to this bad boy. I think you couldn't handle it, and so now what? You find some horse, put some blush on it's muzzle, and strap a horn to its head? For what purpose than to try and claim yourself as the most mystical one in this relationship. Classy baby, real classy. Well I'm not impressed. So I'm leaving you for this baby, he knows how to impress a lady.

Fall into The Ga(ssholes)p

That's right baby...you work hard for that minimum wage money. You got up on your sassy pony (that you won in the war) and start babbling about how you're out growing your position as a model for Baby Gap and where does it get you? A job at Gap Kids. Folding polo shirts and tiny khaki shorts. It's like I can almost see your future and it's not this.. And if tomorrow, you hear about a shipment of khaki baseball caps gone missing......it wasn't me.

Kibble: Now with more asshole babies

Oh, come one, baby. Really? Dog food? I mean, I know you don’t have the most discriminating palate, but stealing from the Mr. Scamps is pretty pathetic. And don’t point your finger at me like this is all my fault. I didn’t drive you to eat kibble. Sure, alright. It was me that ate your mashed bananas and spinach that your mom was storing in the fridge. I DID IT. I was hungry. I’d do it again. I’d fucking DO IT AGAIN BABY. I’m starving. You want to shove over a bit?

A big wet sloppy kiss to Erika Kent for allowing us to berate her kid.

A baby can never be satisfied. Ever.

Oh, I'm sorry, baby. First, you win the war against toddlers through...er....rather unconventional means. From the spoils of your battle, you gain several mighty steeds, and you manage to garner the attention of the local press. AND STILL YOU ARE NOT SATISFIED. What is with that puss, baby? Is the mini horse not mini enough for your small stature, asshole? Maybe if you were not the size of goddamn grapefruit you would be more impressed. Even the mini horse thinks you're an asshole, baby, and he likes everyone. 

Put down the super soaker...

The battle has begun. First it was the ants and now it's baby on baby war. These assholes aren't holding anything back either. The whole species of baby are about to go extinct. First they took their fury out on us, which was fine, but now they are turning on each other. In attempt to bring peace to the toddler vs. new born war...also known as Poopy Snot World War 1.....we were taken hostage and held for ransom and forced to post the following...

Deer asshole babies,

If u want to cee your grownd ups again we demand the following...

* 50 unmarked cases of apple-peach-blueberry Gerber

* ten snuggie blankets featuring ALL of the Disney princesses

* a fifth of Jack

* and a mini horse

luv,

the Toddlers

Asshole babies, I know we haven't seen eye to eye in the past, but we cannot survive with out you as you cannot survive with out us.

I hope you choke on the fumes

Really? Do you even know whats going on with our ozone layer, baby? Probably not. You probably have ZERO interest in saving our environment. You don't care if your car takes premium and only gets 5 miles to the gallon, because as long as you look cool, that's all that matters. Well this baby doesn't worry about how he looks. Sure he might not actually be able to drive anywhere in that thing, but at least its environmentally safe. Shit, he even recycled a box to make his car! I bet you don't even cry when Noah Wilde and his polar bears come on TV. This is bullshit baby! Not too long ago you were hugging the polar bears and now you're killing them. God you're an asshole....

This little piggy is an asshole

BUSTED. You baby, are not the solution...you are THE PROBLEM. We were wondering how this crazy pig flu/swine virus/oink disease started...and now....I HAVE COLD HARD PROOF that you've been getting trampy with the livestock. It wasn't bad enough that you act like a pig, go and dress up as one, and mimic a hair style after it, but now....because you can't keep your grubby paws to yourself...we are all SUFFERING. You are a real asshole baby.

May the force be with you

Baby, you may be tiny, wrinkled and sometimes green comes out of your poop hole, but you are no Yoda. And I really wish you would stop parading around acting like a Jedi Master that has had one too many Mai Tais at Tatooine.

First of all, Yoda is about 900 years old. That's why he's so wise and has white hair in his ears. I have have half-eaten sandwiches riding around in my backpack that are older than you are.

Secondly, Yoda wears Jedi robes. What I see here is a midget in a lab coat.

Thirdly, a question: what does object-subject-verb mean to you? Uh huh. That's what I thought.

Fourthly, this is just fucking unacceptable.

And finally,...what the...WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? Who let a pug in here? Though now that I'm thinking about it, this dog makes a way better Yoda than you ever will. Look at those wrinkles! Oh god its it making scary noises! What? Oh, he's breathing...

Photoshop FAIL

FAIL. Your attempts at Photoshop are one big fail, baby. Really? Dressing up in your Robin costume and making yourself fly? A.) Robin did not have flying powers, SUPERMAN did. This just further proves you know nothing about superhero's, therefor have no right to impersonate one. B.) Robin is probably the worst Superhero you could choose....because he wasn't really a superhero...he was just Batman's bitch boy.


And what IS THIS? It's like you threw the filter they use on 'Days of our Lives' over some picture I took at the family picnic on Saturday. I know this is going to end up as your default on MySpace.


And lastly....NO INSERTING ENDANGERED SPECIES INTO YOUR SEARS PHOTOS. I know you want to appeal as the sensitive environmentalist to the ladies by showing how close you are with these polar bears, but you KNOW polar bears are MY THING. And only I can make bring them justice with Photoshop.

Freeloaders

You really make me sick baby. Arnie the Cat used to be a productive member of this household. Ok, you may not think that chasing invisible flies and rubbing your face all over shit is as productive as say, dropping a load in your pampers, but god, ever since he's taken up with you all he does is sit there like a goddamn house plant. Its bad enough I have to foot the bill for you, but now I have another unemployed asshole sleeping on my floor. WHAT DO YOU GUYS DO ALL DAY? There is no purpose to you, baby.

Weakness, thy name is baby elephant

I just...I...goddammit, baby. You know baby elephants are my kryptonite! With little fuzz on their head and how everything is too big but not too big and they can't walk straight and I just...love you, baby. I love you and your baby elephant. What am I saying! I need to lie down...I need...to buy this Anne Geddes "Labor of Love" book...NO! No no no no no. Ok, just calm down. Calm down. Remember your mantra goddammit! Babies are assholes...babies are assholes...babies are assholes...

What if there really was an elephant in the room?

I guess you're feeling neglected lately. The world isn't paying enough attention to you. So when you had me call Britney Spears publicist and ask how all the Hollywood social lites get ahead in life, he gave me the honest answer. "They flashed their p*ssy." But see baby, when he told me that I knew you wouldn't understand. Your sweet little mind goes straight to thinking p*ssy means kittens. Thank god for that or I might end up on this site. But anything is better than being on YouTube for this. Just know, you blew it with Russell Brand.

Flipper is going to slap you silly

You're just jealous, baby. Last night when I came home from my trip to Louisiana and told you about how I went and saw this you instantly felt the need to find a way to upstage me. I could tell by the way you looked at me and then made spit bubbles. It was really rude....and that duck noise you were making totally ruined the surprise ending of American Idol for me. No one cares that you and Buddy the Beluga Whale are BFF's. Beluga Whales are notorious for being attention whores, so FAIL.

But I want an Upa Lumpa nooooow daddy!!!!!

No don't smile or anything, baby. Heaven for bid you get excited. It's not like you're parents didn't get you a FUCKING BABY TIGER for your birthday or anything!!! Wait...what was that??? You wanted a pony for your birthday? Might want to rethink that one, baby. This asshole asked for a pony for his birthday and look what happened. So count your blessings you selfish prick.

Good dog Carl, Bad asshole baby

You know what baby? I don't think the Carl's of the world appreciate this. Here you are, in a little kitty cat jumper, reading one of America's classic children's books, 'Good Dog Carl' and you're mocking it. Do you even know what that story is about? It's about a dog that has to spend his day, saving an asshole babies little butt. The baby goes around destroying crap and Carl fixes the problem. Not only that, but the asshole rides Carl around the house like he is a horse. You should be ashamed of yourself. This has to be based on a true story. Only a baby would try and pull a stunt like this.

You're name better not be Mary....

Don't take it out on the lamb baby. Don't try and turn this around. This is not FuckYouPenguin. The lamb is not the asshole here...YOU are the asshole here, baby. You're just jealous that it's cuteness over cutes you by 99.7865% In fact...you're not even a baby...you're a toddler....and not even a cute 2/3-year-old toddler. You look about 3/4 to me. Which means you can probably read. Well read this TODDLER: You are an asshole. You don't even deserve to be on this page. Now release your death grip on the lamb or this bitch gets it.

Oh so you're an attention whore too.....

Oh, I get it, baby. You're trying to capitalize on the cute-animals-on-the-internet phenomena by pretending to be one. Well let me tell you something, you don't look like an adorable cockapoodleranian, you look like my landlady after she's had one too many glasses of Wild Vines. So put that thing back in your mouth before that Ewok sitting next to you tries to eat it.