Cocky baby thinks he's Cockney

Look baby, you better wipe that smirk off your face and fast.  I understand you have a strange crush on your nursery school teacher, I mean she gives you cookies and plays lego's with you, I'd have a crush on her too, but you need to stop trying so hard.  You came home the other day because you saw her reading "Lolita" and instantly signed into my Netflix and ordered every Stanley Kubrick film you could get your grubby paws on.  How did you even get the password for my account? You do realize that Lolita and A Clockwork Orange are novels written by two different authors and Stanley Kubrick just adapted them into films right? Hello??? What am I saying...you don't even know where your nose is and you still can't master not pissing your pants. (sigh) Anyways...your droogs are outside and want to know if you want to play aversion therapy. 

Twenty Ten is going to be rough

Jesus Christ baby can you stop screaming already?  I'm STILL hungover from New Years and all your crying isn't helping any.  You know we decided to take a break from one another during the holidays to avoid situation's like this and this.  It would have been like shooting fish in a barrel, so my gift to YOU was to let you enjoy some peace and quite and what do you do?  You start the new year with screaming and complaining.  Hey it's not MY fault you didn't get a New Year's Eve kiss.  Maybe you shouldn't have gone out looking like this. Someone definitely hit the booze a little too early that night......So why don't we make our resolution this year to be a little more dignified?  Oh and tell your ginger friend he needs to catch up. Welcome to Twenty Ten asshole. 

The creators of YBIAA & some Schmoes

 Okay.  First off.  We here at YBIAA are not dead.  In fact we are very much alive (surviving only by the good grace of coffee and 5 o'clock cocktails...which actually start at noon).  We are also very poor though.  In this economy we have had to actually work to buy important things like; food, gas, gin, American Apparel shiny disco high waisted shorts, vodka, cat food, dog food...mostly food....cause we eat....a lot......and so do our pets.  Anyways, we wanted to explain to you the reason for our absence.  The good news is before the two creators of this website were separated by thousands upon hundred's of thousands of miles, but in 60 days they will live harmoniously in the same city.  So thus, an explosion of hilarious posts will fill your computer screens like H1N2 is filling my lungs right now.  

In other news, we here at YBIAA love to make you laugh.  It's our goal.  So we are going to mooch off of our hilarious friends and share the wealth of Schomesknow.  I won't tell you what their YouTube page is about, you're just going to have to watch it.

p.s. Happy Birthday Kristian

p.s.s. you still look like Dane Cook

p.s.s.s sorry i called you Kristen the first time

I just threw up rainbows

OOOOOOO....KKKKKKKKK....It's time we sat down and had a little chat, because this is completly unacceptable. You get your kicks in some sick ways kiddo. I tell you how I finally have all my money saved up to buy this awesome van and what do you do? You go and get THIS VAN. So what do I do? Take the blow easily and walk away with dignity and grace? NO WAY. I upgraded to this bad boy. I think you couldn't handle it, and so now what? You find some horse, put some blush on it's muzzle, and strap a horn to its head? For what purpose than to try and claim yourself as the most mystical one in this relationship. Classy baby, real classy. Well I'm not impressed. So I'm leaving you for this baby, he knows how to impress a lady.

One asshole monkey jumping on the bed

Don't sniffle at me baby.  This was all YOUR idea.   You were the one who came home from day care whining about Bradleys amazing costume that matched his monkey stuffed animal.  And of course you needed to upstage him, so who came to your rescue? ME.  I put my semester of fashion school to use and made you the most amazing costume EVER.  It's not my fault your stuffed animal monkey was a sock puppet.  Now quit your crying, or I'll dress you up like this and have you dance on a corner for nickles. Now put your mask back on....I like you better when I can't see your face.

(big thanks to Alabama Worley for submitting the photos)

Put down the super soaker...

The battle has begun. First it was the ants and now it's baby on baby war. These assholes aren't holding anything back either. The whole species of baby are about to go extinct. First they took their fury out on us, which was fine, but now they are turning on each other. In attempt to bring peace to the toddler vs. new born war...also known as Poopy Snot World War 1.....we were taken hostage and held for ransom and forced to post the following...

Deer asshole babies,

If u want to cee your grownd ups again we demand the following...

* 50 unmarked cases of apple-peach-blueberry Gerber

* ten snuggie blankets featuring ALL of the Disney princesses

* a fifth of Jack

* and a mini horse

luv,

the Toddlers

Asshole babies, I know we haven't seen eye to eye in the past, but we cannot survive with out you as you cannot survive with out us.

Stay in school

Okay, baby. I don't know how this happened. Maybe you had a rough time in the womb. Maybe your mother watched this video one too many times. But for God's sake, put down the dollar bills and put your goddamn clothes back on. This is not a career choice, baby. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY wants to see that. And while you're at it, dump that new boyfriend of yours you met at the club. He's a bad influence.

lIj ghu 'oH an asshole

Look baby, I know you spent a long time on this get up, but I simply cannot bring you to my International Federation of Trekkers meeting/bar crawl. Klingons are a warrior race, baby, okay? And I'm guessing if a real Klingon saw you in your fuzzy lion-bird-bunny belt, they'd tell you to get that weak shit out of here, or tlhap vetlh weak shit pa' vo' naDev. The Klingons don't even have a word for weak, that's how tough they are. You think you can just draw on some wrinkles with a sharpie and all of a sudden you're Worf? And it really, really doesn't help your case when you show up to the Star Trek movie premiere with this asshole. That leather skirt is really precious though. Did your mommy make that for you?

May the force be with you

Baby, you may be tiny, wrinkled and sometimes green comes out of your poop hole, but you are no Yoda. And I really wish you would stop parading around acting like a Jedi Master that has had one too many Mai Tais at Tatooine.

First of all, Yoda is about 900 years old. That's why he's so wise and has white hair in his ears. I have have half-eaten sandwiches riding around in my backpack that are older than you are.

Secondly, Yoda wears Jedi robes. What I see here is a midget in a lab coat.

Thirdly, a question: what does object-subject-verb mean to you? Uh huh. That's what I thought.

Fourthly, this is just fucking unacceptable.

And finally,...what the...WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? Who let a pug in here? Though now that I'm thinking about it, this dog makes a way better Yoda than you ever will. Look at those wrinkles! Oh god its it making scary noises! What? Oh, he's breathing...

Photoshop FAIL

FAIL. Your attempts at Photoshop are one big fail, baby. Really? Dressing up in your Robin costume and making yourself fly? A.) Robin did not have flying powers, SUPERMAN did. This just further proves you know nothing about superhero's, therefor have no right to impersonate one. B.) Robin is probably the worst Superhero you could choose....because he wasn't really a superhero...he was just Batman's bitch boy.


And what IS THIS? It's like you threw the filter they use on 'Days of our Lives' over some picture I took at the family picnic on Saturday. I know this is going to end up as your default on MySpace.


And lastly....NO INSERTING ENDANGERED SPECIES INTO YOUR SEARS PHOTOS. I know you want to appeal as the sensitive environmentalist to the ladies by showing how close you are with these polar bears, but you KNOW polar bears are MY THING. And only I can make bring them justice with Photoshop.

Give a little whistle....

You've done it....DONE IT. You have OFFICIALLY ruined my Thursday night. My man and I were eager to sit down for Taco Thursday and watch this beloved film, before it goes back into "the vault" and you have to come in on your stupid little toy, taking rides from some bird that can't even spell, mocking our dearest Pinocchio and I'm just suppose to sit here with my taco and take it? I think not...I am going to stand up to you baby! And I'm taking your conscience with me! You don't deserve him!

Ninja gangs are no joke

I suppose you think this is funny, babies. I come home from a long day of work and there you are with your fellow thugs staking out a place on my front stoop. Well let me tell you something: I am not afraid of you. Even when you took me down your underground lair and showed my your "death crib" I barely even broke a sweat. What kind of ninjas wear pink, and red and yellow anyway? I suppose it doesn't matter to you that my loyal pet rhino and warthog were brutally murdered by gang of ninjas back in the late eighties....there was pizza crust everywhere...wait, what? What was I saying? Oh yeah. GET OFF MY STOOP YOU DAMN NINJA BABIES!

You are not a unique snowflake, baby

Oh jesus......Really? Uh...it's interesting...and original....I guess. I mean I understand the pressure you have in today's society. With such fashionable babies like Suri, Maddox, and Kingston, it's pretty hard to stand out and be original. So I can't really call you an asshole. Because you're taking a stand against all those other babies who are just carbon copies of their parents and-WAIT A MINUTE.....I've seen that get up before!....ugh....disappointed by you AGAIN baby.

Your mom's shag carpet does not a costume make

Oh big effing deal, baby. You think you schooled me because you have your outfit for this year's Comic-Con already sewn and ready? Well you know what? You don't even look like Chewbacca. At best, you look like an Ewok who has been run through the spin cycle one too many times. And then we've got this idiot who thinks Chewbacca wears a purse. Chewbacca doesn't wear a purse. You know what Chewie does wear, baby? A gentle, hairy shield of justice. And that's what I intend to represent with this bad boy. I'll see you there suckers. Oh, and if that isn't enough, I've got my Dr. Manhattan costume for the second day. I just hope it doesn't rain....That could get awkward with the blue paint...

Next you'll be snubbing Ryan Seacrest

You know I hate when you do this, baby. Just last night we're kicking back, watching the Oscars, eating some apple pie and that's when I saw it. That glint in your eye. As we watched dress after dress parade down the red carpet, you and I both started to see a trend. There were some hits and some misses, but all and all we could see this "mermaid" look taking on a life of its own. So when you come sashaying down the stairs this morning dressed like that, I wasn't very amused. Way to be a follower baby. I just hope you don't try to get Bradgelina (did you see them last night!?!? To die for GORGEOUS omg omg omg) to adopt you.

Jackass Poster Child

Well, look at you baby. You must think this is pretty funny, huh? I know exactly what's going through your mind. When I wear my Uggs out in public like it's a fashion statement, people stare. When I wear my over sized cowboy hat and don't talk with a Texas accent, people snicker. When I take professional photos at the mall with soft lighting, people roll their eyes. And when I don't wear any clothes, I get arrested. But here you are...doing all four. And you....look adoreable. Well you know what baby, F*CK YOU. You're an asshole.

I'd like to serve you a boiling pot of justice, baby

Great. Just great. I finally get a call back to audition for a leading role in a Broadway play and you have to screw me like this. Sebastian was mine! MINE! Do you think a call back to The Little Mermaid happens every day? And you have to waltz in here with your cute ass costume and your googly eyes and upstage me? How in the hell am I supposed to compete with that? A dude in a chef's outfit? REALLY? Jesus, do you even know what a crustacean is? You're not even eating solid food yet! But there's one thing you don't have kid, and that's talent. Now excuse me while I go home and try to put together the pieces of my shattered dreams.

WoW (World of Warcraft)

Look baby, I'm not having it. I know we are in the same realm and on opposing factions, you're a mage and I'm a mage, we fight in a virtual world all day long...but when you show up at the same WoW party, in the same costume as me....YOU HAVE GONE TOO FAR. I will use my spirit healer to resurrect the graveyard with no delay. Prepare for death baby.