Did you hear the new Mountain Goats LP, asshole?

I don't understand what is about wearing your grandma's eyeglasses and trimming your facial hair like Dick Dastardly that you think looks so hip, baby. You're aging yourself and you look like the bastard love child of Ben Gibbard and John Cleese. Also, I know you're digging on vintage vinyl these days, but my Rolling Stones' Sticky Fingers album has sticky little monkey fingerprints all over it and...you...have...thrown up all over my Pixies B-sides special edition record. I'm OK. I'm FINE. Just...pass me that PBR tall boy and turn on NPR, please.

Twenty Ten is going to be rough

Jesus Christ baby can you stop screaming already?  I'm STILL hungover from New Years and all your crying isn't helping any.  You know we decided to take a break from one another during the holidays to avoid situation's like this and this.  It would have been like shooting fish in a barrel, so my gift to YOU was to let you enjoy some peace and quite and what do you do?  You start the new year with screaming and complaining.  Hey it's not MY fault you didn't get a New Year's Eve kiss.  Maybe you shouldn't have gone out looking like this. Someone definitely hit the booze a little too early that night......So why don't we make our resolution this year to be a little more dignified?  Oh and tell your ginger friend he needs to catch up. Welcome to Twenty Ten asshole. 

Fall into The Ga(ssholes)p

That's right baby...you work hard for that minimum wage money. You got up on your sassy pony (that you won in the war) and start babbling about how you're out growing your position as a model for Baby Gap and where does it get you? A job at Gap Kids. Folding polo shirts and tiny khaki shorts. It's like I can almost see your future and it's not this.. And if tomorrow, you hear about a shipment of khaki baseball caps gone missing......it wasn't me.

Put down the super soaker...

The battle has begun. First it was the ants and now it's baby on baby war. These assholes aren't holding anything back either. The whole species of baby are about to go extinct. First they took their fury out on us, which was fine, but now they are turning on each other. In attempt to bring peace to the toddler vs. new born war...also known as Poopy Snot World War 1.....we were taken hostage and held for ransom and forced to post the following...

Deer asshole babies,

If u want to cee your grownd ups again we demand the following...

* 50 unmarked cases of apple-peach-blueberry Gerber

* ten snuggie blankets featuring ALL of the Disney princesses

* a fifth of Jack

* and a mini horse

luv,

the Toddlers

Asshole babies, I know we haven't seen eye to eye in the past, but we cannot survive with out you as you cannot survive with out us.

Pumping iron

Someone get this kid a fucking medal. So you lift up an abandoned car and free a family of kittens and all of a sudden they're handing you a key to the goddamn city. Well I'll have you know I've done my fair share of community service this week. Why, just last night when some underage teenagers saw me outside of Walgreens drinking a Mickey's I TOTALLY bought them beer. OUT OF THE GOODNESS OF MY HEART. But you, I know why you do the things you do, baby. I see you working on your fitness. Checking out your sweet pecs in the mirror. Just can't enough of yourself, can you? Well I'll tell you one thing, baby, lay off the 'roids. You won't looks so badass when you start growing boobies.

Holy Guacamole

Baby, this is what happens when we let your girlfriend Maria drink in the mornings on Cinco de Mayo. She starts walking around half naked and goes out in public like she has a purpose or something. Bitch, stole my hat too. Who does that? Oh yeah, ASSHOLE BABIES do that. Stop eyeing my burrito, we better go after her...before we end up in a situation like this.

Those brownies weren't for you, baby!

DAMN IT! I told you not to eat those brownies I made. Seriously baby...how many times did I tell you NOT to eat those brownies I made??? I told your mom I would take you to see Disney's 'Earth' today only because A.) it features baby elephants and B.)I made special brownies for ME AND ME ONLY! Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and the baby lamb.....How the hell am I going to be able to get you looking like this again in two hours? Ugh...just...pass the joint....

No, we are not putting this on your tab, baby

Baby, we have to talk. Booze is not the answer. No matter how much you want Jimmy and Jennifer to work it out, beer won't do it. I know Jimmy was there with your favorite merlot when you turned 1, telling you it was okay to move from "months" into the "years" phase of life. And Jennifer had a cold one waiting for you when you saw your ex baby sitter walk into the bar last month, but what fixes your problems cannot fix their problems. By the way....we need to talk about how you reorganized the fridge....

Not everyone wants to kiss you

Listen up you. I know you think because of your diminutive stature you can roll into MY St Paddy's celebration reeking of corned beef and cabbage and green beer, but you sir, are not a leprechaun. You may crap green poop, but that doesn't make you any more Irish than those girls who claim they are Irish and can drink you under the table. Yeah, we all know how that ends. And just so you know baby, the ambassador of Ireland isn't very fond of you either....

Tara Reid is not a role model

You know, it's really hard to take you seriously when you're in this kind of condition. It makes me feel awkward. You starting drooling...more than usual. I can't understand what you're saying...other than "mama" and "papa", which clearly just leads me to believe you have issues with your parents...but who doesn't? You're not so special, baby. And I'm not sure I like this whole ceiling eyes look you have going on. It puts me in a bad mood. Pretty soon you might start rambling on about spray tans. What kind of rum is that anyways???....Wait........this is apple juice.......but where did all the rum go?!?!?

Carrie Bradshaw is not your BFF

Wow. A martini glass and some designer sunglasses. You baby, are a trendsetter. Too bad you're about, oh, I don't know, FIVE YEARS LATE jumping on the whole Sex and the City bandwagon. I bet that bartender laughed in your face when you ordered a cosmopolitan. Do they even make Manolo Blahniks that small? Hell, all of those broads have moved on in their lives, launching perfumes, appearing in tragic tween comedies made by Disney and guest starring on Law and Order: SVU. See baby? IMPORTANT LIFE TRANSITIONS. Now step away from the vodka, before you end up like this.

Red really isn't your color....

Alright Baby Jane Hudson, step away from the lipstick. Don't you think it's a little early in life to be strung out on muscle relaxers and Jim Bean at 9 in the morning? Hell, even my grandma has the decency to keep the gin in the cupboard and her clothes on until noon. And you show up here looking like the serial killer from Silence of the Lambs. You're effing weird baby. Stop looking at me!

But where did all the rum go???

Baby, I told you to pace yourself. It's the cardinal rule at the Delta Gamma Jamma Bam Bam house; First person to pass out drunk, gets drawn on. You're lucky we only used left over cupcake frosting from the bake sale. Because you know, I'm pretty sure writing on a baby with a sharpie is illegal....and we already let you guys drink beer, so we had to find some balance. I mean I refuse to be like that crazy lady who encouraged this.

You're no Maverick

No that's fine. Keep those sunglasses on, Chris Ferguson. I know you hid those aces in your goddamn chubby cheeks. So chubby...must...squeeze. GAH! That's it. I won't let you work your voodoo on me any longer. I'm going to take these ten dollars home....except...just, front me fifty okay? Just this one time! Sixty on Rooster Cogburn! I'm GOING. I'm going...asshole.

Get your drool off of my leftover burrito

Really? This is happening? You go on the raw food diet for a week and you're in my goddamn refrigerator eating all of my sour cream? See this label maker? I make labels with my name on them and I put them on MY food. See these Jello pudding cups? MY NAME. Look, I know it's hard out there with assholes like this guy around, but do your purging somewhere else. This isn't Denny's.

Get your patchouli stick out of my face!

Don't you grin at me baby. I know what's been going on. Hell, you only left five empty buckets of KFC lying in the pool. I come home and find you dressing the cat up in a Simon and Garfunkel t-shirt. I swear to god baby...is that....is that burnt Jiffy Pop? AGAIN? My thunder if I go into the kitchen and see you've put the Jiffy Pop in the microwave again...goddammit. Get a job you hippie!