Did you hear the new Mountain Goats LP, asshole?

I don't understand what is about wearing your grandma's eyeglasses and trimming your facial hair like Dick Dastardly that you think looks so hip, baby. You're aging yourself and you look like the bastard love child of Ben Gibbard and John Cleese. Also, I know you're digging on vintage vinyl these days, but my Rolling Stones' Sticky Fingers album has sticky little monkey fingerprints all over it and...you...have...thrown up all over my Pixies B-sides special edition record. I'm OK. I'm FINE. Just...pass me that PBR tall boy and turn on NPR, please.

This little piggy is an asshole

BUSTED. You baby, are not the solution...you are THE PROBLEM. We were wondering how this crazy pig flu/swine virus/oink disease started...and now....I HAVE COLD HARD PROOF that you've been getting trampy with the livestock. It wasn't bad enough that you act like a pig, go and dress up as one, and mimic a hair style after it, but now....because you can't keep your grubby paws to yourself...we are all SUFFERING. You are a real asshole baby.

This is not a Jim Carrey movie, baby

*blows nose* Yeah, really funny baby. You know when I told you you should probably get some sort of mask to protect your face so you don't get my SARS/West Nile Virus/Cold/Flu.....I was hoping for something a little more functional. Not this, or this, or even this. Although the irony in the last one is pretty priceless. I meant more like one of these or if you're feeling especially obnoxious you can option for one of these. *cough* Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go throw up.