Freeloaders

You really make me sick baby. Arnie the Cat used to be a productive member of this household. Ok, you may not think that chasing invisible flies and rubbing your face all over shit is as productive as say, dropping a load in your pampers, but god, ever since he's taken up with you all he does is sit there like a goddamn house plant. Its bad enough I have to foot the bill for you, but now I have another unemployed asshole sleeping on my floor. WHAT DO YOU GUYS DO ALL DAY? There is no purpose to you, baby.

YOU are a milk snob, baby

What is that? It's milk, baby. We are in a depression and I can't afford to buy you that organic crap in the recycled carton and that vanilla soy shit makes you farty and bloated. I gave up my Voss and Fiji water, so you have to make some sacrifices too! If you're really worried about the chemicals in that milk I'll run it through our Brita filter, but that's all I'm gonna do for you, asshole.

Not everyone wants to kiss you

Listen up you. I know you think because of your diminutive stature you can roll into MY St Paddy's celebration reeking of corned beef and cabbage and green beer, but you sir, are not a leprechaun. You may crap green poop, but that doesn't make you any more Irish than those girls who claim they are Irish and can drink you under the table. Yeah, we all know how that ends. And just so you know baby, the ambassador of Ireland isn't very fond of you either....

Next web stop...eHarmony

Look baby, I'm really effing enthused that you have a new woman in your life. I get it. You're over me. You're happy. You've never felt better and you're about ready to shit rainbows and kittens because of all the happy filling your body. But do you really have to do this to me? The original photo is bad enough. But then you had to go in and make it all blue-toned and romantic with the fucking clouds rolling in and the cotton candy...I mean, did those few hours we spent together while I was babysitting you that one time mean nothing? That's fine. Just remember me when you ask this broad to change your diaper and she rejects your poopy ass. Asshole.

I bet he leaves the seat up too....

Look, I know you're in there baby! You've got the heater on. You're getting all cozy with the newspaper, getting ready to take an epic dump in MY toilet. I mean, really, how long does it take you? You're only like the size of a yard stick and you spit out most of your food on the floor when you eat. That's it. I'm coming in there... now listen to me baby...cough...you can't just hole up....gasp.....wheeze...mother of God...what have you DONE in here??

Get off my lawn you damn baby!

Oh sure, for a while I just thought it was the neighbor's poodle that was taking a hearty dump on my front lawn every morning. But I am on to you, baby. See this photo? That's what I like to call evidence. What? Why are you staring at me like that...are you...goddammit. Honey, get the shovel and the plastic baggies. Jesus Christ...