Fist Pump it up asshole

Go wash that hair gel out of your hair right now you smug ginger shmuck! Do you know what happens when you style your hair like that?  Do you know what message you are sending out?  Normally your behavior reads "Hi, I'm an asshole."  Now it will read "Hi, I'm an asshole and I'm from New Jersey." You're really setting yourself up for a bright future kid.  It will probably

turn out as one of the following:

Option A 

Option B

Option C

I feel like I can hear MTV already calling you for a reality show. I feel like this guy is going to be your mentor.  I can see you fist pumping to P. Diddy, Puff Daddy, Diddy Piddy, what ever the fuck his name is this week.  I can picture you buying Ed Hardy. It hurts baby!  It hurts to see you flush your bright future down the drain so quickly! 

Stay in school

Okay, baby. I don't know how this happened. Maybe you had a rough time in the womb. Maybe your mother watched this video one too many times. But for God's sake, put down the dollar bills and put your goddamn clothes back on. This is not a career choice, baby. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY wants to see that. And while you're at it, dump that new boyfriend of yours you met at the club. He's a bad influence.

This is not a Jim Carrey movie, baby

*blows nose* Yeah, really funny baby. You know when I told you you should probably get some sort of mask to protect your face so you don't get my SARS/West Nile Virus/Cold/Flu.....I was hoping for something a little more functional. Not this, or this, or even this. Although the irony in the last one is pretty priceless. I meant more like one of these or if you're feeling especially obnoxious you can option for one of these. *cough* Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go throw up.

Total Request Asshole

I know that there's been a shakeup in late night TV lately, baby. Conan is replacing Leno. Jimmy Fallon is replacing Conan. But this is just unacceptable. First, by some miracle of God, you somehow get a chick to let Carson Daly impregnate them so you can have a guaranteed spot on Last Call. And now, you're trying to copy Conan's signature hair do. Now you listen to me, small fry: it doesn't matter how much hair product you use, you will never be Conan. Hell, the guy is 6'4''. So really, all you will ever manage to be is about 1/3 of Conan. Even with the hair.

What if there really was an elephant in the room?

I guess you're feeling neglected lately. The world isn't paying enough attention to you. So when you had me call Britney Spears publicist and ask how all the Hollywood social lites get ahead in life, he gave me the honest answer. "They flashed their p*ssy." But see baby, when he told me that I knew you wouldn't understand. Your sweet little mind goes straight to thinking p*ssy means kittens. Thank god for that or I might end up on this site. But anything is better than being on YouTube for this. Just know, you blew it with Russell Brand.

Napoleon has nothing on you

Feels good, doesn't it baby? Riding high? Towering above everything while the vile peasants below are forced to scuttle at your feet? Am I sensing a bit of a complex? Just remember, no matter how much you feel like Shaq inside, you look like Tattoo from Fantasy Island on the outside, so don't get smug with me. Asshole.

You are not a unique snowflake, baby

Oh jesus......Really? Uh...it's interesting...and original....I guess. I mean I understand the pressure you have in today's society. With such fashionable babies like Suri, Maddox, and Kingston, it's pretty hard to stand out and be original. So I can't really call you an asshole. Because you're taking a stand against all those other babies who are just carbon copies of their parents and-WAIT A MINUTE.....I've seen that get up before!....ugh....disappointed by you AGAIN baby.

Tara Reid is not a role model

You know, it's really hard to take you seriously when you're in this kind of condition. It makes me feel awkward. You starting drooling...more than usual. I can't understand what you're saying...other than "mama" and "papa", which clearly just leads me to believe you have issues with your parents...but who doesn't? You're not so special, baby. And I'm not sure I like this whole ceiling eyes look you have going on. It puts me in a bad mood. Pretty soon you might start rambling on about spray tans. What kind of rum is that anyways???....Wait........this is apple juice.......but where did all the rum go?!?!?

Next you'll be snubbing Ryan Seacrest

You know I hate when you do this, baby. Just last night we're kicking back, watching the Oscars, eating some apple pie and that's when I saw it. That glint in your eye. As we watched dress after dress parade down the red carpet, you and I both started to see a trend. There were some hits and some misses, but all and all we could see this "mermaid" look taking on a life of its own. So when you come sashaying down the stairs this morning dressed like that, I wasn't very amused. Way to be a follower baby. I just hope you don't try to get Bradgelina (did you see them last night!?!? To die for GORGEOUS omg omg omg) to adopt you.

Carrie Bradshaw is not your BFF

Wow. A martini glass and some designer sunglasses. You baby, are a trendsetter. Too bad you're about, oh, I don't know, FIVE YEARS LATE jumping on the whole Sex and the City bandwagon. I bet that bartender laughed in your face when you ordered a cosmopolitan. Do they even make Manolo Blahniks that small? Hell, all of those broads have moved on in their lives, launching perfumes, appearing in tragic tween comedies made by Disney and guest starring on Law and Order: SVU. See baby? IMPORTANT LIFE TRANSITIONS. Now step away from the vodka, before you end up like this.

Is your game MVP like Steve Nash???

This is ridiculous. There are too many things wrong with this picture. Where do I even start? Who plays basketball in sandals??? Why are you wearing a New York Yankees onesie? You do know that team is a BASEBALL team right??? And was it really necessary to make the photo in black and white?? It only adds to that "a precious moment captured in time" BS. All I know is because of your actions with this disturbing amount of cuteness you've now crushed her dreams and I'm pretty certain I saw your older brother last night at the Lakers game. Share the spot light baby...SHARE.

Viva La Asshole

Baby, just because you went to that art opening last week does not mean you're artistic. Surrounding yourself with works of literature doesn't make you smart. And dressing from the thrift store does not make you a hipster. Next thing you'll be collecting old record albums because it's "vintage" and iPods are SO demeaning to music's true meaning. I'm going to be getting "wish list" emails from Urban Outfitters for cardigan sweaters and skinny jeans that you want for your birthday. You might even go so far as to start your own blog...in which case...I will have to kill you.....of course. Oh and BTW this guy called and he would like his outfit back.

Red really isn't your color....

Alright Baby Jane Hudson, step away from the lipstick. Don't you think it's a little early in life to be strung out on muscle relaxers and Jim Bean at 9 in the morning? Hell, even my grandma has the decency to keep the gin in the cupboard and her clothes on until noon. And you show up here looking like the serial killer from Silence of the Lambs. You're effing weird baby. Stop looking at me!

Bold Moves, Baby

I don't really know how to react to this. I mean....I'm all for freedom of speech, but this seems sorta of sick. So NOW that you have graced us with your presence, it's okay to get rid of every other baby? What statement are you exactly trying to make here??? You are for woman's rights? You hate Sarah Palin?...and maybe Alaska??? Maybe you hate this baby. Maybe that's what it all comes down to...racisim.....but either way...that's a poor choice of outfit to wear to my sister baby shower.

You're no Maverick

No that's fine. Keep those sunglasses on, Chris Ferguson. I know you hid those aces in your goddamn chubby cheeks. So chubby...must...squeeze. GAH! That's it. I won't let you work your voodoo on me any longer. I'm going to take these ten dollars home....except...just, front me fifty okay? Just this one time! Sixty on Rooster Cogburn! I'm GOING. I'm going...asshole.

Shut up before I eat you

Dear baby,

No.

My feelings ouren't hurt.

You get on a scale and weigh what? Like...maybe 10 lbz?

I get on a scale and I want to cry.

No, it's otay.


It wasn't my fault.

It was my stylists fault.

Those high wasted jeans just weren't very flattering.


Yeah and..okay neither wear the latex leggings.

But I'm not fat.

Chicken or tuna
lolzzzzz
Sinserly,
Jessica Simpson

I want proof of your PhD, baby

I'm sorry....am I seeing double here? Are you going to lecture me on why my marriage isn't working? "Well Darline....if your husband is dressing up in your push up bra and singing 'I feel pretty', and it's bothering you, then it's probably a good idea to talk about it with him." Gee, thank you Dr. Common Sense. Now stop judging me baby and go back to your session with Allie the pink giraffe. The dog keeps humping him and he has some issues to work through.

......I said no. no. NO

Oh I get it baby. You're too good to be in a picture with Amy Winehouse. You wouldn't dare ruin your reputation and be caught hanging out with her. You know exactly what you were doing though, baby. You know the paparazzi follow her like a lion following a crack-meth-addict gazelle. You know exactly who to bat your big glossy eyes at to get your 15 minutes of fame. But I have news for you Mr.Jones. We know who you are. And you're an asshole.

Back away from the president, you commie

Look at this little terrorist trying to put the muzzle on President Obama. But you know what baby? You can't put a muzzle on freedom. Oh no you cannot. Obama is about to put the smack down on your first-amendment-hating ways. See this guy? Yeah, that's right. That's our VICE PRESIDENT. Wait a minute...its this guy? You may have won this round baby, but we shall meet again.

Now I want a Big Mac (2 for $3.50 now at a participating McDonalds near you)

Baby, you are a sell out. Have you no respect for your self? I haven't seen more product placement outside of the Super Bowl. You obviously get some sick pleasure of out being a label whore. How much are they paying* you baby? Whats next? Your own perfume? Like him, her, tranny mess , them, that, what? Maybe a clothing line? How about vodka? hey...P Diddy, Puff Daddy, Sean Combs, Puffy Combs, Honey Combs. did it......you might as well hop on the band wagon too. Just remember baby. Modesty always stays classy.



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