Fist Pump it up asshole

Go wash that hair gel out of your hair right now you smug ginger shmuck! Do you know what happens when you style your hair like that?  Do you know what message you are sending out?  Normally your behavior reads "Hi, I'm an asshole."  Now it will read "Hi, I'm an asshole and I'm from New Jersey." You're really setting yourself up for a bright future kid.  It will probably

turn out as one of the following:

Option A 

Option B

Option C

I feel like I can hear MTV already calling you for a reality show. I feel like this guy is going to be your mentor.  I can see you fist pumping to P. Diddy, Puff Daddy, Diddy Piddy, what ever the fuck his name is this week.  I can picture you buying Ed Hardy. It hurts baby!  It hurts to see you flush your bright future down the drain so quickly! 

Twenty Ten is going to be rough

Jesus Christ baby can you stop screaming already?  I'm STILL hungover from New Years and all your crying isn't helping any.  You know we decided to take a break from one another during the holidays to avoid situation's like this and this.  It would have been like shooting fish in a barrel, so my gift to YOU was to let you enjoy some peace and quite and what do you do?  You start the new year with screaming and complaining.  Hey it's not MY fault you didn't get a New Year's Eve kiss.  Maybe you shouldn't have gone out looking like this. Someone definitely hit the booze a little too early that night......So why don't we make our resolution this year to be a little more dignified?  Oh and tell your ginger friend he needs to catch up. Welcome to Twenty Ten asshole. 

A new ally in the War on Babies

I really underestimated you, toddler. Here I am thinking you're nothing more than a baby with a thyroid disorder, and then you pull off a gem like this. How dare the little mofo get more attention than you do! You were living high on the horse, no competition at the milk bar, plenty of things to chew on, and then this bastard shows up and all of a sudden you're the red-headed step-child. But you weren't content to let that happen were you, oh no. You taught that smart ass baby a lesson in why its a bad idea to fall asleep out in the open like a common street person. Toddler, *snif*, you sir are a patriot.

Total Request Asshole

I know that there's been a shakeup in late night TV lately, baby. Conan is replacing Leno. Jimmy Fallon is replacing Conan. But this is just unacceptable. First, by some miracle of God, you somehow get a chick to let Carson Daly impregnate them so you can have a guaranteed spot on Last Call. And now, you're trying to copy Conan's signature hair do. Now you listen to me, small fry: it doesn't matter how much hair product you use, you will never be Conan. Hell, the guy is 6'4''. So really, all you will ever manage to be is about 1/3 of Conan. Even with the hair.

You make Ronald McDonald look like an asshole

Listen here you wannabe fire-crotch, being red-headed is a privilege, not a choice. Just ask this guy. You can't just dump a bottle of L'Oreal on your head and call yourself Ann Margaret. And for God's sake would you wipe your mouth every once in a while? You look like you've been feeding on the blood of the innocent.